there's a way.
We've heard over and over again that when we want something badly enough, we can get it, do it, achieve it, receive it, or be it.
After much debate inside this head of mine, I've come to believe this is actually very true. If you're anything like me, there are always excuses made for why you haven't or didn't get, do, achieve, receive or become what you truly desire. My list of excuses is longer than any news article I've written in recent weeks. In fact, I've spent much of my adult life making excuses, blaming circumstances or being mad at life and those who have achieved what I want to achieve.
For me, most of the anger has been jealousy-based and I've often said I hate this person or that person or am annoyed by him or her before I even know their personal story. I assume that everyone who is where I want to be was born into riches, was dealt better cards, or has some amazing connection that helped boost them to the top. Hmmm, isn't the common phrase "rags to riches?" If we watch the Biography Channel or stop on E!'s True Hollywood Story, don't we often hear about big names from small towns and those who rose from the ashes after being abused, addicted to drugs, overtaken by an eating disorder, etc.?
Our stories, no matter where they begin or who they involve, are still OUR stories. This means we are the authors.
I look back on my life, as recently as a few moments ago, and think I should have done things differently, I could have done things differently. I lament, wallow, cry, yell, hate, ignore, all because I'm actually unhappy with ME and with the way I'VE handled MY life. I'm not content with how I've authored my story. But I realized just this week that I truly am the captain of my ship. I have to be the one to take action in order to see change. I can talk about what I want to do, where I want to go and I can make excuses, second guess my decisions (before I even make them), and cry myself to sleep wishing it were different. Yet, I know that none of that is what matters. What matters is that I take the reigns and make things happen.
Let's be honest, true change and true success doesn't happen overnight. It may not even happen over a couple nights, weeks, months or years. However, small changes add up and small actions lead to bigger ones. Eventually we can reach the point where we're laughing at ourselves for ever having doubted when all along we were indeed capable.
Have you heard the song that says, "I'm no superman?" I don't remember the lyrics beyond that, but I agree that I, too, am no superman or superwoman. Oh how much easier things would be if in fact I had such power. Bottom line is that I'm me and I must quit pretending that I have to do it all right now, snap my fingers and be all that I can be. Think about that for a moment ... If we could snap our fingers and be or do anything right now, what would be the point of the rest of our lives? I think it would actually take the whole meaning out of the word "life." Life begins at a certain place and ends at a certain place. What we experience in between those two places defines our life. Those experiences make up our stories and let me remind you, and myself, that no two things are alike.
When I was 11 or 12 years old, this illness entered my life and I was clueless that at the age of 27 I would be fighting daily just to keep breathing. I had no idea that one action would lead to years of physical, emotional and spiritual pain. And it, also know as an eating disorder (or two), combined with my other experiences have made a recipe for disaster. I sit back and watch it all happen as if I'm not in control. I let the ED do what he's gotta do and continually tell myself I'm powerless (enter excuses). I let him win. I let him keep me in my place while turning around to say how much I hate life because I "can't" do what people without an ED can do. The fact is I can do things despite my ED. He is just an excuse that I willingly let get in the way and keep me from achieving my goals.
One of the most common things I visualize is my life the way it will be when I reach a healthy weight, but I fail to do the work to get me to that weight. Same goes for most areas of my life. I find that I gripe a lot about how things aren't that I forget how things are. Or I complain continuously about how I can't do things because I'm broke. I am broke, it's not a lie, but it shouldn't be an excuse. If I want to finish my book, the one I've started writing over and over again, but have never fully devoted myself to because of this or that (excuses), then I have to sit down and write ... that's it and that's free ... wow, who would have thought something in this life would actually be FREE? And if I want to change lives, where is it written that can only be done with a check and a pen?
There really is a way to get, do, achieve, receive, and be that which we want badly enough ... we must take our will and begin to make strides toward having it become a reality without having a list of excuses, without blaming or hating, and without defeating ourselves before we've even made an effort.
And don't be afraid to step out of your zone or to trust yourself because, again, this is your story and you are the author ...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
A Christmas Pledge
So I realize I have severely neglected both of my blogs amid a crazy time in my life. Nothing has specifically contributed to the chaos, I've just been busy and apparently haven't had much to say (Me? Not much to say? Ha ... No, it's true, I haven't).
As you are well aware, the holidays are upon us. A couple have come and gone and what seems to be the biggest holiday of the year still lies ahead. I must admit that as I've gotten older and fallen into slumps of depression almost regularly, the holidays don't feel as special.
Perhaps it's because I no longer live at home, I don't have a husband or children and I'm broke so I can't buy and wrap gifts for others. Regardless of the reason, I can sometimes be Grinch-like this time of year.
I try to get into the spirit, but I'm a procrastinator. By the time it hits me, people are shopping for roses and candy to celebrate Valentine's Day. I guess I just don't realize how much time I don't have to get into a Christmas kind of mood.
After a long introduction, let me get to the heart of this time of year for those of us who suffer from an eating disorder. It's tough, grueling even, to face big family feasts twice in just over a month, not to mention that we feel guilty receiving any gifts that may be under the tree for us (and for being so broke that we can't buy wonderful gifts for our loved ones or too paranoid or socially challenged to attempt shopping). It's the merriest difficult time of our lives.
There are ways to combat the "feast fears" such as trying to eat a light lunch before a heavy dinner. Or trying to eat a little bit of everything we like and being truly, honestly, aware of how our stomach feels ... key word here is HONESTLY. If we breathe and have a little bit of faith in ourselves that we can get through it, we may find that it's not as dreadful as ED makes it out to be.
But everyone faces a different reality during the holidays. Some just can't go through with the buffet-style feasts present around every corner and some jump right in to test the limits of their very being. Regardless of how you feel as Christmas approaches, know that we are often our own worst enemy and those things which we fear the most sometimes turn out to be memories we laugh at later or another notch on our belt of accomplishments.
I'm making a conscious effort in 2009 to not delay feeling the holiday spirit. I already hosted my very first Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, I INVITED the feast into my home this year and it turned out wonderful. I had more than 20 guests and while food was obviously present, so was a lot more.
Maybe I'll also make a Christmas pledge here and now to tackle one small fear every day from now until Dec. 25! Sounds like a plan to me and one I invite you to put into action yourself. Then, post later and tell me how you did because I'd love to know!
For now, Happy Belated Thanksgiving and Merry Early Christmas!
As you are well aware, the holidays are upon us. A couple have come and gone and what seems to be the biggest holiday of the year still lies ahead. I must admit that as I've gotten older and fallen into slumps of depression almost regularly, the holidays don't feel as special.
Perhaps it's because I no longer live at home, I don't have a husband or children and I'm broke so I can't buy and wrap gifts for others. Regardless of the reason, I can sometimes be Grinch-like this time of year.
I try to get into the spirit, but I'm a procrastinator. By the time it hits me, people are shopping for roses and candy to celebrate Valentine's Day. I guess I just don't realize how much time I don't have to get into a Christmas kind of mood.
After a long introduction, let me get to the heart of this time of year for those of us who suffer from an eating disorder. It's tough, grueling even, to face big family feasts twice in just over a month, not to mention that we feel guilty receiving any gifts that may be under the tree for us (and for being so broke that we can't buy wonderful gifts for our loved ones or too paranoid or socially challenged to attempt shopping). It's the merriest difficult time of our lives.
There are ways to combat the "feast fears" such as trying to eat a light lunch before a heavy dinner. Or trying to eat a little bit of everything we like and being truly, honestly, aware of how our stomach feels ... key word here is HONESTLY. If we breathe and have a little bit of faith in ourselves that we can get through it, we may find that it's not as dreadful as ED makes it out to be.
But everyone faces a different reality during the holidays. Some just can't go through with the buffet-style feasts present around every corner and some jump right in to test the limits of their very being. Regardless of how you feel as Christmas approaches, know that we are often our own worst enemy and those things which we fear the most sometimes turn out to be memories we laugh at later or another notch on our belt of accomplishments.
I'm making a conscious effort in 2009 to not delay feeling the holiday spirit. I already hosted my very first Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, I INVITED the feast into my home this year and it turned out wonderful. I had more than 20 guests and while food was obviously present, so was a lot more.
Maybe I'll also make a Christmas pledge here and now to tackle one small fear every day from now until Dec. 25! Sounds like a plan to me and one I invite you to put into action yourself. Then, post later and tell me how you did because I'd love to know!
For now, Happy Belated Thanksgiving and Merry Early Christmas!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Skills, Skills, Skills
So today we talk skills!
Like I promised in my last post, I am not going to leave you wondering what things you can do to help create positive change in your life. Here, I share with you some of what I've learned. I credit Remuda Ranch for teaching me most of these skills during my three month stint in their program in 2008.
1. Acceptance: This is a key part of anyone's life and/or recovery work. If we don't accept where we are, what is going on around us, the reality of it all, we can't begin working on change. My former therapist really pushed acceptance and for good reason. If we live in denial or in a dream world where everything is as we wish it could be, we lose sight of what is actually right in front of us. When we take a deep look into ourselves and our lives and we accept (receive as adequate, valid or suitable; believe or come to recognize as valid or correct), it is then that we can work toward what we desire. Denial of our situations, illnesses, relationships, etc., keeps us living in a constant state of disconnectedness. It keeps us disassociated from what is reality. So, my challenge to you would be to start with even one thing and work on acceptance. An example may be your eye color. Maybe you have always wished you had blue eyes, but the fact remains that your eyes are brown. If you say things like, "Hey, my eyes are brown. They will never be blue. What can I learn about brown eyes to make them just as great as blue eyes? I will love my brown eyes because they are mine," this is accepting you have brown eyes and attempting to change your view, no pun intended. Other examples may be that you're 5'2" at the age of 27 (like me) and you hate it. You constantly try doing things to make yourself look taller, but in reality, you will only continue to be 5'2". Or maybe you wish you were an only child, but you have a sibling or two. Accepting what IS and not what we think SHOULD be or what we WISH WAS, is a huge step in creating change.
2. Catch It, Challenge It, Change It: This is my favorite skill of all time! It's simple ... when a negative thought comes into your head or you are about to engage in a negative behavior, such as purging, stop or "Catch it!" Give yourself a moment to recognize what your thinking or what you're about to do. Then "challenge it." If you're in front of the mirror and you hear, "Man, look at those huge thighs," fight back against the thought. It's sort of like rolling your eyes at ED. Lastly, change the thought or behavior. If it's a thought, say something back to it like, "No, my thighs are beautiful and powerful." If it's a behavior, walk away and attempt to do something else. Instead of purging, try calling a friend or using other distractions.
3. Distraction: This is pretty self-explanatory. Find other things to do instead of engaging in your behaviors or negative thoughts. There are endless possibilities depending upon what you enjoy, who you know, what your schedule is, etc. Read a book, take a walk (only to distract, not to burn calories), take a bubble bath, call a friend or relative, work on a scrapbook, write a letter (or blog entry or e-mail), listen to your ipod, draw, paint, color, plant flowers ... whatever you enjoy! If we can distract for at least 10 minutes, if not longer, we can often cause the thought or desire to engage in a behavior to dissipate to a point where we don't feel as strong of an urge to do that which is negative.
4. Self-Care: This is a lot like distraction. Light candles, take a bath, paint your nails (guys, clip your toenails or something else, lol), listen to music, dance around the house, get a haircut, buy a new scarf or sweater ... Do something that will help you feel good about YOU.
5. Wisdom/Wise Mind: It's hard to explain this skill as it would seem to define itself. Try using logic/knowledge instead of allowing things that have no truth to enter into your mind and take over. A skunk is black and white (this is logic), but when we are in the "not-so-sure" part of our mind, we start thinking, "Are skunks REALLY black and white? Do they really stink? How can you tell?" Using our "wise mind" we would think/say, "Skunks ARE black and white, they stink because I've smelled them." It's like taking all the questions out of things and utilizing facts! I'm thin. This is a fact. My not-so-wise mind tells me I'm not-so-thin. I hope this makes sense.
6. I don't know what this skill is called, but it is a way to gently create boundaries with those around you while using your voice: When you ..., I feel ..., I need ... Make sure you do NOT say "You MAKE me feel." People do not "make us" feel. Instead, we are in charge of our feelings and reactions to things around us. Here is an example: When you talk about dieting, I feel uncomfortable and triggered, I need you to talk about something else or to go into another room if you want to talk about dieting. This is another one of my favorite skills because for someone who is used to letting others walk all over her, it provides a chance to use my voice and set boundaries without being rude or inconsiderate. This works with just about any situation in life.
Okay, there are numerous things we can do to help on our journey toward a more positive and healthy lifestyle, but for the sake of time and so as to not overwhelm anyone, I'm going to stop there for now. I will try to post more skills here and there, but these are six that work and are very important.
Like I promised in my last post, I am not going to leave you wondering what things you can do to help create positive change in your life. Here, I share with you some of what I've learned. I credit Remuda Ranch for teaching me most of these skills during my three month stint in their program in 2008.
1. Acceptance: This is a key part of anyone's life and/or recovery work. If we don't accept where we are, what is going on around us, the reality of it all, we can't begin working on change. My former therapist really pushed acceptance and for good reason. If we live in denial or in a dream world where everything is as we wish it could be, we lose sight of what is actually right in front of us. When we take a deep look into ourselves and our lives and we accept (receive as adequate, valid or suitable; believe or come to recognize as valid or correct), it is then that we can work toward what we desire. Denial of our situations, illnesses, relationships, etc., keeps us living in a constant state of disconnectedness. It keeps us disassociated from what is reality. So, my challenge to you would be to start with even one thing and work on acceptance. An example may be your eye color. Maybe you have always wished you had blue eyes, but the fact remains that your eyes are brown. If you say things like, "Hey, my eyes are brown. They will never be blue. What can I learn about brown eyes to make them just as great as blue eyes? I will love my brown eyes because they are mine," this is accepting you have brown eyes and attempting to change your view, no pun intended. Other examples may be that you're 5'2" at the age of 27 (like me) and you hate it. You constantly try doing things to make yourself look taller, but in reality, you will only continue to be 5'2". Or maybe you wish you were an only child, but you have a sibling or two. Accepting what IS and not what we think SHOULD be or what we WISH WAS, is a huge step in creating change.
2. Catch It, Challenge It, Change It: This is my favorite skill of all time! It's simple ... when a negative thought comes into your head or you are about to engage in a negative behavior, such as purging, stop or "Catch it!" Give yourself a moment to recognize what your thinking or what you're about to do. Then "challenge it." If you're in front of the mirror and you hear, "Man, look at those huge thighs," fight back against the thought. It's sort of like rolling your eyes at ED. Lastly, change the thought or behavior. If it's a thought, say something back to it like, "No, my thighs are beautiful and powerful." If it's a behavior, walk away and attempt to do something else. Instead of purging, try calling a friend or using other distractions.
3. Distraction: This is pretty self-explanatory. Find other things to do instead of engaging in your behaviors or negative thoughts. There are endless possibilities depending upon what you enjoy, who you know, what your schedule is, etc. Read a book, take a walk (only to distract, not to burn calories), take a bubble bath, call a friend or relative, work on a scrapbook, write a letter (or blog entry or e-mail), listen to your ipod, draw, paint, color, plant flowers ... whatever you enjoy! If we can distract for at least 10 minutes, if not longer, we can often cause the thought or desire to engage in a behavior to dissipate to a point where we don't feel as strong of an urge to do that which is negative.
4. Self-Care: This is a lot like distraction. Light candles, take a bath, paint your nails (guys, clip your toenails or something else, lol), listen to music, dance around the house, get a haircut, buy a new scarf or sweater ... Do something that will help you feel good about YOU.
5. Wisdom/Wise Mind: It's hard to explain this skill as it would seem to define itself. Try using logic/knowledge instead of allowing things that have no truth to enter into your mind and take over. A skunk is black and white (this is logic), but when we are in the "not-so-sure" part of our mind, we start thinking, "Are skunks REALLY black and white? Do they really stink? How can you tell?" Using our "wise mind" we would think/say, "Skunks ARE black and white, they stink because I've smelled them." It's like taking all the questions out of things and utilizing facts! I'm thin. This is a fact. My not-so-wise mind tells me I'm not-so-thin. I hope this makes sense.
6. I don't know what this skill is called, but it is a way to gently create boundaries with those around you while using your voice: When you ..., I feel ..., I need ... Make sure you do NOT say "You MAKE me feel." People do not "make us" feel. Instead, we are in charge of our feelings and reactions to things around us. Here is an example: When you talk about dieting, I feel uncomfortable and triggered, I need you to talk about something else or to go into another room if you want to talk about dieting. This is another one of my favorite skills because for someone who is used to letting others walk all over her, it provides a chance to use my voice and set boundaries without being rude or inconsiderate. This works with just about any situation in life.
Okay, there are numerous things we can do to help on our journey toward a more positive and healthy lifestyle, but for the sake of time and so as to not overwhelm anyone, I'm going to stop there for now. I will try to post more skills here and there, but these are six that work and are very important.
Monday, November 9, 2009
We All Have Challenges
Millions of people don't struggle with an eating disorder, but millions do. You may wonder why I haven't broadened my blog to incorporate more than just eating disorders and that's okay ... I've wondered the same thing.
I was going to tear down this blog and create yet another one. Then I decided that this is what I know and I believe that whether individuals battle an eating disorder or not, they can at least relate to some of the things posted here. We all have our issues and those issues can often be similar.
You may be addicted to alcohol, prescription or nonprescription drugs, sex, food or you may suffer from depression, low self-esteem, anger problems, etc. As you read, I hope you can see how words written here may apply to your own struggle. But let me clarify one thing, and in doing so I am not minimizing anyone's challenge, food is necessary to live. It is needed for the body to function as it was created to function and without food, we die. Whereas, alcohol and drugs are not necessary for the body to work. Yes, because they are addictive, you may find that these things are in fact necessary for you to function, but if you strip those addictions away, you eventually will be able to go without. I speak from the perspective of a former alcoholic. I've been there. When it comes to food, however, we can't avoid it. It must be present in our daily lives no matter what. We can't strip it away as we work toward recovery. Therefore, this poses a unique challenge when compared with other illnesses or addictions.
Whatever the basis of your own battle, I want you to know that there is hope. There is the possibility of recovery and a future without dependence on anything other than what is necessary for daily living. I think it's important to remember that the battle is best won when you enlist the help of professionals and/or a support group, family members and friends. When you can open yourself up, be honest and make true attempts, success is possible.
But it isn't all sunshine and sparkles. Battles, struggles, addictions, challenges, issues, whatever you choose to call them, are not easily won or overcome. It takes time and it takes us being willing to fight. We must attempt to use skills to change behavior. We must tackle the negative voice that tells us we need our addiction/illness to survive. We must reiterate to ourselves that we are worth more. And we must ultimately do this one moment at a time, one day at a time. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day, even though sometimes we probably wish it had been so we could snap our fingers and all would be well.
So, you may be asking yourself, "How do I do this?," "What skills is she talking about?" or "Where can I get help?" Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging ... for long anyway. I will share with you in a new post some things I've learned, skills included, that may help you on your journey to overcome whatever illness, issue or addiction you may be facing. And for those of you who are not battling anything in particular, these skills also work in day-to-day living to keep us grounded, help us create boundaries, and possibly prevent us from ever falling prey to the negative mind.
For now, I must get to work.
I was going to tear down this blog and create yet another one. Then I decided that this is what I know and I believe that whether individuals battle an eating disorder or not, they can at least relate to some of the things posted here. We all have our issues and those issues can often be similar.
You may be addicted to alcohol, prescription or nonprescription drugs, sex, food or you may suffer from depression, low self-esteem, anger problems, etc. As you read, I hope you can see how words written here may apply to your own struggle. But let me clarify one thing, and in doing so I am not minimizing anyone's challenge, food is necessary to live. It is needed for the body to function as it was created to function and without food, we die. Whereas, alcohol and drugs are not necessary for the body to work. Yes, because they are addictive, you may find that these things are in fact necessary for you to function, but if you strip those addictions away, you eventually will be able to go without. I speak from the perspective of a former alcoholic. I've been there. When it comes to food, however, we can't avoid it. It must be present in our daily lives no matter what. We can't strip it away as we work toward recovery. Therefore, this poses a unique challenge when compared with other illnesses or addictions.
Whatever the basis of your own battle, I want you to know that there is hope. There is the possibility of recovery and a future without dependence on anything other than what is necessary for daily living. I think it's important to remember that the battle is best won when you enlist the help of professionals and/or a support group, family members and friends. When you can open yourself up, be honest and make true attempts, success is possible.
But it isn't all sunshine and sparkles. Battles, struggles, addictions, challenges, issues, whatever you choose to call them, are not easily won or overcome. It takes time and it takes us being willing to fight. We must attempt to use skills to change behavior. We must tackle the negative voice that tells us we need our addiction/illness to survive. We must reiterate to ourselves that we are worth more. And we must ultimately do this one moment at a time, one day at a time. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day, even though sometimes we probably wish it had been so we could snap our fingers and all would be well.
So, you may be asking yourself, "How do I do this?," "What skills is she talking about?" or "Where can I get help?" Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging ... for long anyway. I will share with you in a new post some things I've learned, skills included, that may help you on your journey to overcome whatever illness, issue or addiction you may be facing. And for those of you who are not battling anything in particular, these skills also work in day-to-day living to keep us grounded, help us create boundaries, and possibly prevent us from ever falling prey to the negative mind.
For now, I must get to work.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Helping Others Without Losing Myself
I've been told on numerous occasions by therapists, fellow support group members, friends and family that I'm very perceptive, knowledgeable and insightful when it comes to my battle against my eating disorder(s) and the disorders in general.
What compliments and my, how great it feels to know that what I'm thinking, feeling, and saying actually has an impact on others. However, I've recently been considering all of this and where I am in my fight against ED.
Though I desire to educate and inform, I realize that hey, I'm not recovered. Is it fair of me to raise awareness and provide education to the public about these disorders? Would some call me hypocritical? Personally, I don't think it's unfair or hypocritical because I'm not advocating that people develop EDs nor am I saying, "Do this, but I will do the opposite." When I write about recovery work, it's because I've attempted the work and I speak from my own personal experience.
Truth be told, dear readers, I am not IN recovery. I am working TOWARD being in recovery. What I mean is that I can't claim to be in recovery when more than 50 percent of my behaviors are still ED-related. But I won't say that I am completely in my ED either. I'm just more in the ED right now. And I've been contemplating my motives in creating this blog and in maintaining it and my additional one www.anamericanbutterfly.blogspot.com.
I've found that I spend so much time meeting with families, emailing friends who need support or ask questions about EDs and recovery, speaking to others about the dangers of EDs, the difficult process of recovery, etc. Oh how I enjoy every minute of it. But I've also found that while doing these things, more than half of the time I'm still actively engaging in my own ED and not able to focus on my recovery because I'm so concerned with helping others recover.
I'm not going to deactivate this blog, stop educating others, or quit sharing my opinions and thoughts, but I do know that I must spend less time doing those things until I can take more steps forward on the recovery road. If I don't post for a week or two, maybe I just needed that time to focus on my own journey. If I ever hope to become a psychologist for EDs, I have to recover, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. And in order to do that, I'm attempting to find balance in helping while healing. My mother truly believes educating and helping others with EDs is my calling and the key to my recovery. That may be true and I plan to continue sharing what I know, just perhaps a little less often for a few months until I can get myself more than 70 or 80 percent on the right road (and eventually ... 95-100 percent).
I'm beyond admitting I have an ED and accepting help, but I am not yet living free of him. I'm in the middle of the 12 steps, probably around step 6: "We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
So I pray that after 16 years of living with an ED, I can come to a place where I'm able to stand up and say, "I did it! I overcame! I'm recovered and I'm thankful for the struggle."
Until then ...
What compliments and my, how great it feels to know that what I'm thinking, feeling, and saying actually has an impact on others. However, I've recently been considering all of this and where I am in my fight against ED.
Though I desire to educate and inform, I realize that hey, I'm not recovered. Is it fair of me to raise awareness and provide education to the public about these disorders? Would some call me hypocritical? Personally, I don't think it's unfair or hypocritical because I'm not advocating that people develop EDs nor am I saying, "Do this, but I will do the opposite." When I write about recovery work, it's because I've attempted the work and I speak from my own personal experience.
Truth be told, dear readers, I am not IN recovery. I am working TOWARD being in recovery. What I mean is that I can't claim to be in recovery when more than 50 percent of my behaviors are still ED-related. But I won't say that I am completely in my ED either. I'm just more in the ED right now. And I've been contemplating my motives in creating this blog and in maintaining it and my additional one www.anamericanbutterfly.blogspot.com.
I've found that I spend so much time meeting with families, emailing friends who need support or ask questions about EDs and recovery, speaking to others about the dangers of EDs, the difficult process of recovery, etc. Oh how I enjoy every minute of it. But I've also found that while doing these things, more than half of the time I'm still actively engaging in my own ED and not able to focus on my recovery because I'm so concerned with helping others recover.
I'm not going to deactivate this blog, stop educating others, or quit sharing my opinions and thoughts, but I do know that I must spend less time doing those things until I can take more steps forward on the recovery road. If I don't post for a week or two, maybe I just needed that time to focus on my own journey. If I ever hope to become a psychologist for EDs, I have to recover, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. And in order to do that, I'm attempting to find balance in helping while healing. My mother truly believes educating and helping others with EDs is my calling and the key to my recovery. That may be true and I plan to continue sharing what I know, just perhaps a little less often for a few months until I can get myself more than 70 or 80 percent on the right road (and eventually ... 95-100 percent).
I'm beyond admitting I have an ED and accepting help, but I am not yet living free of him. I'm in the middle of the 12 steps, probably around step 6: "We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
So I pray that after 16 years of living with an ED, I can come to a place where I'm able to stand up and say, "I did it! I overcame! I'm recovered and I'm thankful for the struggle."
Until then ...
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
On Why We Can't "Just Get Better"
I apologize for the delay in posting. Life happens and I suppose my words ran dry for a week or two.
I've battle anorexia and bulimia for nearly 16 years. I've been in treatment twice, I've seen three therapists, two dietitians, been in a support group for more than six months, have visited the ER three times, have been to a cardiologist, have met with families to provide education, have written research papers on EDs, currently maintain two ED blogs, and feel I know more than some of the professionals. Yet, I'm not recovered. Many people ask what it will take for me to get better. Some even say, "You need to get your *bleep* together."
My mother and I had a huge argument over the weekend and without restating everything she said, I can tell you that I was surprised that after having been to family week with me at Remuda and after everything I've shared with her, she still doesn't quite get it. She's not alone. I still don't even get it after 16 years.
And most don't. Research is still being conducted to determine whether EDs are autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis and multiple sclerosis. Wikipedia says that autoimmune diseases arise from an overactive immune response of the body against substances and tissues normally present in the body. An old article in Eating Disorders Today said that high levels of a certain substance (I can't recall what exactly it was) in the blood can effect things such as food intake and appetite.
Some research suggests EDs are a biological brain disease. Regardless, they are indeed a disease (and when I'm done posting, I'm going to update myself on the current research available).
So why then do some people treat us as if we are choosing our disorder? Why do some expect that "all you have to do is eat?" And why do some tell us to "just go over it already?" Well, it's not so simple. If EDs are in fact autoimmune diseases, that's like telling someone with MS to "just get better." The mind is indeed a powerful thing, but I can promise you it's not so powerful that thoughts can rid a body of rheumatoid arthritis. However, it's expected that thoughts can rid a person of an ED. Yes, changing our thinking is a huge part of recovery as EDs warp our minds and force us to believe the complete opposite of what is true. EDs change our "vision" so we can't see what is really in the mirror. They make us lie, manipulate, cry, yell, kick, scream, feel depressed, worthless, shameful and for some, they kill.
I get aggravated when people assume that a treatment center should be the end all, be all of one's disorder. When I returned from Remuda and relapsed a month later, my family said, "You had the best treatment in the world and you just threw it all away. You had all the tools you needed to get better. What happened?" And my response is that treatment centers, while extremely beneficial to some and the end of the ED journey for many, are not a complete and total cure for an ED ... especially when someone has struggled for more than 5, 10, 15 years. Treatment centers educate, provide tools and therapy, help lead us to a new perspective, and offer a safe environment temporarily. But who can live in a treatment center forever and never again have to face the real world? Who would want to?
I'm not advocating for or against treatment centers. I am advocating, however, for those of us who have relapsed after coming home and telling as many people as will listen that these EDs are HARD work to overcome. Every day we wake up, it's hard. Facing the thing we fear most, FOOD, several times a day because our bodies need it to survive, is a daunting and sometimes impossible task. We can't avoid food forever. Alcoholics and drug addicts don't HAVE to be in a situation every day where they are faced with their drug of choice nor do they need that drug in order for their body to perform properly every day. Yes, some need the drug or alcohol in order to function because their bodies are used to it, but once in recovery, they can avoid situations where the drug/alcohol is present. Not so with food because the body must have it regardless. Please, do not think I am minimizing the struggle of an alcoholic or drug addict. I am certainly not saying it's easy.
I wish there was a shot or a pill that would make the ED go away for myself and for so many others. Unfortunately, that is not the case. EDs effect all aspects of a person's being ... social, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. One shot or pill to fix all of that would take centuries to develop, if it's even possible.
I guess I would just like to ask those who do not have an ED to keep an open mind when it comes to the disorder(s). Understand that many, not all, want to get healthy and live a great life. I'll be the first to admit that if I could snap my fingers and be well, I would have snapped them years ago. EDs suck. There is no other way to say it. They SUCK. But if others would have a bit more compassion and understanding, maybe we could all work together to overcome this epidemic.
I've battle anorexia and bulimia for nearly 16 years. I've been in treatment twice, I've seen three therapists, two dietitians, been in a support group for more than six months, have visited the ER three times, have been to a cardiologist, have met with families to provide education, have written research papers on EDs, currently maintain two ED blogs, and feel I know more than some of the professionals. Yet, I'm not recovered. Many people ask what it will take for me to get better. Some even say, "You need to get your *bleep* together."
My mother and I had a huge argument over the weekend and without restating everything she said, I can tell you that I was surprised that after having been to family week with me at Remuda and after everything I've shared with her, she still doesn't quite get it. She's not alone. I still don't even get it after 16 years.
And most don't. Research is still being conducted to determine whether EDs are autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis and multiple sclerosis. Wikipedia says that autoimmune diseases arise from an overactive immune response of the body against substances and tissues normally present in the body. An old article in Eating Disorders Today said that high levels of a certain substance (I can't recall what exactly it was) in the blood can effect things such as food intake and appetite.
Some research suggests EDs are a biological brain disease. Regardless, they are indeed a disease (and when I'm done posting, I'm going to update myself on the current research available).
So why then do some people treat us as if we are choosing our disorder? Why do some expect that "all you have to do is eat?" And why do some tell us to "just go over it already?" Well, it's not so simple. If EDs are in fact autoimmune diseases, that's like telling someone with MS to "just get better." The mind is indeed a powerful thing, but I can promise you it's not so powerful that thoughts can rid a body of rheumatoid arthritis. However, it's expected that thoughts can rid a person of an ED. Yes, changing our thinking is a huge part of recovery as EDs warp our minds and force us to believe the complete opposite of what is true. EDs change our "vision" so we can't see what is really in the mirror. They make us lie, manipulate, cry, yell, kick, scream, feel depressed, worthless, shameful and for some, they kill.
I get aggravated when people assume that a treatment center should be the end all, be all of one's disorder. When I returned from Remuda and relapsed a month later, my family said, "You had the best treatment in the world and you just threw it all away. You had all the tools you needed to get better. What happened?" And my response is that treatment centers, while extremely beneficial to some and the end of the ED journey for many, are not a complete and total cure for an ED ... especially when someone has struggled for more than 5, 10, 15 years. Treatment centers educate, provide tools and therapy, help lead us to a new perspective, and offer a safe environment temporarily. But who can live in a treatment center forever and never again have to face the real world? Who would want to?
I'm not advocating for or against treatment centers. I am advocating, however, for those of us who have relapsed after coming home and telling as many people as will listen that these EDs are HARD work to overcome. Every day we wake up, it's hard. Facing the thing we fear most, FOOD, several times a day because our bodies need it to survive, is a daunting and sometimes impossible task. We can't avoid food forever. Alcoholics and drug addicts don't HAVE to be in a situation every day where they are faced with their drug of choice nor do they need that drug in order for their body to perform properly every day. Yes, some need the drug or alcohol in order to function because their bodies are used to it, but once in recovery, they can avoid situations where the drug/alcohol is present. Not so with food because the body must have it regardless. Please, do not think I am minimizing the struggle of an alcoholic or drug addict. I am certainly not saying it's easy.
I wish there was a shot or a pill that would make the ED go away for myself and for so many others. Unfortunately, that is not the case. EDs effect all aspects of a person's being ... social, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. One shot or pill to fix all of that would take centuries to develop, if it's even possible.
I guess I would just like to ask those who do not have an ED to keep an open mind when it comes to the disorder(s). Understand that many, not all, want to get healthy and live a great life. I'll be the first to admit that if I could snap my fingers and be well, I would have snapped them years ago. EDs suck. There is no other way to say it. They SUCK. But if others would have a bit more compassion and understanding, maybe we could all work together to overcome this epidemic.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
ED Basics
Since I'm just getting started with this blog, I figured I would take a moment to introduce eating disorders to those who may be unfamiliar. Much of this information comes from the National Eating Disorders Association, my knowledge and experience. For more, please visit the NEDA Website at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.
Let's start with the basics ...
What are EDs?
There are several types of eating disorders including Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Compulsive Overeating/Binge Eating Disorder and Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). Each has its own characteristics, but all eating disorders are similar in their function.
Anorexia Nervosa: A serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by self-starvation and excessive weight loss.
Binge Eating Disorder (BED): A type of eating disorder not otherwise specified and is characterized by recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures to counter the binge eating.
Bulimia Nervosa: A serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by a cycle of bingeing and compensatory behaviors such as self-induced vomiting designed to undo or compensate for the effects of binge eating.
What causes EDs?
In my experience, I have learned that the causes for such disorders vary depending on the individual. There may be a biological component, as well as psychological and sociocultural components. Some research suggests EDs are an autoimmune disease. Regardless, the range of causes is wide.
Who can have an ED?
This one is simple: ANYONE. It used to be assumed that only wealthy, young and/or overachieving Caucasian women could have EDs, but research and experience has proven that men suffer, as well as individuals from every nationality. EDs do not discriminate.
How are EDs treated?
EDs can be fatal, but there is hope for those who wish to recover. Often, a treatment team is involved consisting of a psychologist, psychiatrist, physician, and dietitian. If you or someone you love is seeking help, please know it is out there. Outpatient treatment can be time consuming so be prepared for several appointments each week.
A psychologist is usually a part of the team to help address what may be at the root of the disorder(s) or what is perpetuating it/them. This part of treatment can be most beneficial and I recommend utilizing every minute available and really setting/working on goals.
A psychiatrist can be helpful in diagnosing the disorder(s) and/or any coexisting disorders. They can also prescribe any needed medication.
A physician is a crucial part of the treatment team as EDs can take a toll on the body. It is important to visit a doctor to determine what, if any, damage has been done and work together to improve overall physical health. Medical monitoring is just as important during the refeeding process as it is during the most active stages of the ED.
A dietitian can make recommendations about the amount of calories and types of foods your body needs. My dietitians have also been responsible for monitoring my weight on a week-to-week basis to assure I'm not losing or gaining too quickly, but rather at a pace that it healthy for me personally. Dietitians can also provide nutrition education and help us make better choices.
If inpatient treatment is needed because one can't break the ED cycle on his/her own or his/her health is in jeopardy, there are numerous hospitals and centers throughout the country. Inpatient treatment is often used to stabilize the person medically and reintroduce them to eating more regularly (without using compensating behaviors such as purging. An example would be Rogers Memorial Hospital). Residential treatment centers do the same, but provide a less restrictive environment and typically involve more outdoor activities or therapies (Remuda Ranch would be an example). There are also several partial hospital programs which provide structure throughout the day or evening, but give patients a chance to live at home or in an apartment while practicing what they are learning.
There is much more to be learned about EDs than what I can put in one post. But please, if you need more information quickly, visit NEDA's Website or call their helpline at (800) 931-2237.
I hope this post has been at least somewhat helpful. EDs are very complex, life-threatening illnesses and while I could go on and on, I'm going to stop for now and let you digest (no pun intended) what you've already read.
Let's start with the basics ...
What are EDs?
There are several types of eating disorders including Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Compulsive Overeating/Binge Eating Disorder and Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). Each has its own characteristics, but all eating disorders are similar in their function.
Anorexia Nervosa: A serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by self-starvation and excessive weight loss.
Binge Eating Disorder (BED): A type of eating disorder not otherwise specified and is characterized by recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures to counter the binge eating.
Bulimia Nervosa: A serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by a cycle of bingeing and compensatory behaviors such as self-induced vomiting designed to undo or compensate for the effects of binge eating.
What causes EDs?
In my experience, I have learned that the causes for such disorders vary depending on the individual. There may be a biological component, as well as psychological and sociocultural components. Some research suggests EDs are an autoimmune disease. Regardless, the range of causes is wide.
Who can have an ED?
This one is simple: ANYONE. It used to be assumed that only wealthy, young and/or overachieving Caucasian women could have EDs, but research and experience has proven that men suffer, as well as individuals from every nationality. EDs do not discriminate.
How are EDs treated?
EDs can be fatal, but there is hope for those who wish to recover. Often, a treatment team is involved consisting of a psychologist, psychiatrist, physician, and dietitian. If you or someone you love is seeking help, please know it is out there. Outpatient treatment can be time consuming so be prepared for several appointments each week.
A psychologist is usually a part of the team to help address what may be at the root of the disorder(s) or what is perpetuating it/them. This part of treatment can be most beneficial and I recommend utilizing every minute available and really setting/working on goals.
A psychiatrist can be helpful in diagnosing the disorder(s) and/or any coexisting disorders. They can also prescribe any needed medication.
A physician is a crucial part of the treatment team as EDs can take a toll on the body. It is important to visit a doctor to determine what, if any, damage has been done and work together to improve overall physical health. Medical monitoring is just as important during the refeeding process as it is during the most active stages of the ED.
A dietitian can make recommendations about the amount of calories and types of foods your body needs. My dietitians have also been responsible for monitoring my weight on a week-to-week basis to assure I'm not losing or gaining too quickly, but rather at a pace that it healthy for me personally. Dietitians can also provide nutrition education and help us make better choices.
If inpatient treatment is needed because one can't break the ED cycle on his/her own or his/her health is in jeopardy, there are numerous hospitals and centers throughout the country. Inpatient treatment is often used to stabilize the person medically and reintroduce them to eating more regularly (without using compensating behaviors such as purging. An example would be Rogers Memorial Hospital). Residential treatment centers do the same, but provide a less restrictive environment and typically involve more outdoor activities or therapies (Remuda Ranch would be an example). There are also several partial hospital programs which provide structure throughout the day or evening, but give patients a chance to live at home or in an apartment while practicing what they are learning.
There is much more to be learned about EDs than what I can put in one post. But please, if you need more information quickly, visit NEDA's Website or call their helpline at (800) 931-2237.
I hope this post has been at least somewhat helpful. EDs are very complex, life-threatening illnesses and while I could go on and on, I'm going to stop for now and let you digest (no pun intended) what you've already read.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Weighing In On What Matters
I pulled out the scale this morning for the first time in several weeks. I stepped on, looked down, stepped off and got in the shower. I didn't dwell on the number or even care. In fact, I'm clueless as to why I dragged it out in the first place.
Having an eating disorder, many would suspect that I weigh myself many times in a single day and allow the number to dictate my mood. Perhaps I've just reached a point in my life where I'm not as concerned with the number on the scale. I hop on, hop off, and go about my business like normal. My days are no better or worse when I weigh myself. Don't get me wrong, there have been numerous occasions over the past 16 years when the number did affect my attitude and behaviors. I'm just not there right now.
I've learned that no matter what the scale says, I'm in control of how I respond. I used to freak out when I stepped on and saw a higher number than the day before. I thought that meant I was a failure at everything in my life ... especially my eating disorder. I thought that meant I was out of control, a glutton, and lacked willpower to ever accomplish what the ED wanted me to accomplish. I can laugh now because I realize the only thing a scale weighs is the force of gravity on our bodies.
Americans are obsessed with weight, but I can honestly say that it doesn't matter. Yes, in a health sense, it does matter if we are underweight or overweight and it's causing medical problems. I'm not saying to ignore the weight completely. What I am saying is that who we are as human beings can't be measured by a number. The attitude we have throughout the day shouldn't be based on what we saw on the scale that morning. What matters is that we are healthy, secure in our skin, happy with who we are, just the way we are. Each of us is unique and if we are trying to conform to an ideal it will only land us in a state of confusion or depression. It's true, it could work for awhile and we could get massive attention for being stick thin, but when all is said and done, we have to be true to who we are because the only person we have to live with is ourselves.
It's just as frustrating for me to be underweight as it is for many to be overweight. Shopping is difficult, I get comments almost endlessly from other people, and I go home sometimes wishing I were someone else ... someone who was a "normal," healthy size. Ironic, yes, given I have an eating disorder when EDs are most often assumed to be about losing weight. In reality, EDs have far less to do with actual weight and more to do with how we feel about ourselves, what circumstances we are facing, who's in control, etc.
What matters most in life is not our body size. Some of the most successful men and women have not fit a mold characterized as "normal" (by the way, normal doesn't even exist, nor does perfection). We must learn to look beyond the numbers and into ourselves. Who are we INSIDE? What makes us happy? Where have we come from? And more importantly, where are we going? If you can answer any of those questions with a number, I take back everything I've written here.
If not forever, just for today ... take a look at what truly matters most in your life and in the lives of those you love. I can almost guarantee that if I asked my family and friends to name reasons they love me, none of them would say, "Because you weigh 'X' amount of pounds ..."
"We were created with a purpose and that purpose is not ED." — Me
Having an eating disorder, many would suspect that I weigh myself many times in a single day and allow the number to dictate my mood. Perhaps I've just reached a point in my life where I'm not as concerned with the number on the scale. I hop on, hop off, and go about my business like normal. My days are no better or worse when I weigh myself. Don't get me wrong, there have been numerous occasions over the past 16 years when the number did affect my attitude and behaviors. I'm just not there right now.
I've learned that no matter what the scale says, I'm in control of how I respond. I used to freak out when I stepped on and saw a higher number than the day before. I thought that meant I was a failure at everything in my life ... especially my eating disorder. I thought that meant I was out of control, a glutton, and lacked willpower to ever accomplish what the ED wanted me to accomplish. I can laugh now because I realize the only thing a scale weighs is the force of gravity on our bodies.
Americans are obsessed with weight, but I can honestly say that it doesn't matter. Yes, in a health sense, it does matter if we are underweight or overweight and it's causing medical problems. I'm not saying to ignore the weight completely. What I am saying is that who we are as human beings can't be measured by a number. The attitude we have throughout the day shouldn't be based on what we saw on the scale that morning. What matters is that we are healthy, secure in our skin, happy with who we are, just the way we are. Each of us is unique and if we are trying to conform to an ideal it will only land us in a state of confusion or depression. It's true, it could work for awhile and we could get massive attention for being stick thin, but when all is said and done, we have to be true to who we are because the only person we have to live with is ourselves.
It's just as frustrating for me to be underweight as it is for many to be overweight. Shopping is difficult, I get comments almost endlessly from other people, and I go home sometimes wishing I were someone else ... someone who was a "normal," healthy size. Ironic, yes, given I have an eating disorder when EDs are most often assumed to be about losing weight. In reality, EDs have far less to do with actual weight and more to do with how we feel about ourselves, what circumstances we are facing, who's in control, etc.
What matters most in life is not our body size. Some of the most successful men and women have not fit a mold characterized as "normal" (by the way, normal doesn't even exist, nor does perfection). We must learn to look beyond the numbers and into ourselves. Who are we INSIDE? What makes us happy? Where have we come from? And more importantly, where are we going? If you can answer any of those questions with a number, I take back everything I've written here.
If not forever, just for today ... take a look at what truly matters most in your life and in the lives of those you love. I can almost guarantee that if I asked my family and friends to name reasons they love me, none of them would say, "Because you weigh 'X' amount of pounds ..."
"We were created with a purpose and that purpose is not ED." — Me
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Welcome Aboard
This blog was created to share my experience with eating disorders and to provide education and resources based on my personal research.
I welcome you and gently remind you that while I have a Bachelor of Arts in psychology, I am not a psychologist, nor do I claim to be. One of my goals with this blog is to give you, the readers, a look into my life as I struggle to overcome an eating disorder. I also hope to provide you with education about these life-threatening disorders, again based on my experience and research.
I'm the first to admit that I haven't pursued a master's or doctorate's in psychology to date, but having lived with anorexia and bulimia for more than 16 years, I am extremely knowledgeable on these disorders and nutrition, mental illness, etc. Many times a mental illness coexists with another and in my case I battle depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder and rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. It's no surprise to me, however, given the trauma I have put myself through with the eating disorders. Some say OCD, depression, and bipolar can lead to eating disorders, but the reverse is also true.
For me, I'm not 100 percent sure which disorder truly developed first. Looking back, I can see a continuous pattern of disordered eating even in my grade school years. I can also see a pattern of OCD. The depression and bipolar didn't seem to hit until my senior year in high school or perhaps a year earlier. I was always a happy person described as a "clown" and told I should be an actress because of my ability to personify many different characters. I changed dramatically once I hit my final year in high school and went off to college.
I'm still a funny, happy person, but most often only on the outside. Deep down, I struggle with feeling hopeless and unworthy, stupid and selfish. I try to stay focused on the here-and-now, the moment, and just get through each second the best I can. Then people ask a million questions about who I'm dating, whether or not I have children, what career path I have taken, etc. It can be quite overwhelming. Bottom line is that I am where I am and I must make the best of it.
So I open myself up to you here with the a desire to debunk the myths surrounding eating disorders. From what I've heard, many people think these illnesses are an attempt to gain attention, to look like a supermodel, or simply to be thin. While those are certainly reasons why some struggle, they are not the reasons I struggle. They are not what caused my disorders nor do they perpetuate my illnesses. I struggle because I struggle. I don't have a clear idea why, but I'm aware of the possible causes and continuing triggers. Each person with an eating disorder is different. I speak, again, only from my experience.
I invite you to continue the journey with me via this blog and my hope is that you will be moved to help someone you know, to share your interpretations with others, to join forces with the Eating Disorders Coalition or National Eating Disorders Association in support of better insurance coverage for eating disorders and other mental illnesses.
Even if you walk away with nothing at all, I thank you for reading.
I welcome you and gently remind you that while I have a Bachelor of Arts in psychology, I am not a psychologist, nor do I claim to be. One of my goals with this blog is to give you, the readers, a look into my life as I struggle to overcome an eating disorder. I also hope to provide you with education about these life-threatening disorders, again based on my experience and research.
I'm the first to admit that I haven't pursued a master's or doctorate's in psychology to date, but having lived with anorexia and bulimia for more than 16 years, I am extremely knowledgeable on these disorders and nutrition, mental illness, etc. Many times a mental illness coexists with another and in my case I battle depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder and rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. It's no surprise to me, however, given the trauma I have put myself through with the eating disorders. Some say OCD, depression, and bipolar can lead to eating disorders, but the reverse is also true.
For me, I'm not 100 percent sure which disorder truly developed first. Looking back, I can see a continuous pattern of disordered eating even in my grade school years. I can also see a pattern of OCD. The depression and bipolar didn't seem to hit until my senior year in high school or perhaps a year earlier. I was always a happy person described as a "clown" and told I should be an actress because of my ability to personify many different characters. I changed dramatically once I hit my final year in high school and went off to college.
I'm still a funny, happy person, but most often only on the outside. Deep down, I struggle with feeling hopeless and unworthy, stupid and selfish. I try to stay focused on the here-and-now, the moment, and just get through each second the best I can. Then people ask a million questions about who I'm dating, whether or not I have children, what career path I have taken, etc. It can be quite overwhelming. Bottom line is that I am where I am and I must make the best of it.
So I open myself up to you here with the a desire to debunk the myths surrounding eating disorders. From what I've heard, many people think these illnesses are an attempt to gain attention, to look like a supermodel, or simply to be thin. While those are certainly reasons why some struggle, they are not the reasons I struggle. They are not what caused my disorders nor do they perpetuate my illnesses. I struggle because I struggle. I don't have a clear idea why, but I'm aware of the possible causes and continuing triggers. Each person with an eating disorder is different. I speak, again, only from my experience.
I invite you to continue the journey with me via this blog and my hope is that you will be moved to help someone you know, to share your interpretations with others, to join forces with the Eating Disorders Coalition or National Eating Disorders Association in support of better insurance coverage for eating disorders and other mental illnesses.
Even if you walk away with nothing at all, I thank you for reading.
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