Skills, Skills, Skills

So today we talk skills!

Like I promised in my last post, I am not going to leave you wondering what things you can do to help create positive change in your life. Here, I share with you some of what I've learned. I credit Remuda Ranch for teaching me most of these skills during my three month stint in their program in 2008.

1. Acceptance: This is a key part of anyone's life and/or recovery work. If we don't accept where we are, what is going on around us, the reality of it all, we can't begin working on change. My former therapist really pushed acceptance and for good reason. If we live in denial or in a dream world where everything is as we wish it could be, we lose sight of what is actually right in front of us. When we take a deep look into ourselves and our lives and we accept (receive as adequate, valid or suitable; believe or come to recognize as valid or correct), it is then that we can work toward what we desire. Denial of our situations, illnesses, relationships, etc., keeps us living in a constant state of disconnectedness. It keeps us disassociated from what is reality. So, my challenge to you would be to start with even one thing and work on acceptance. An example may be your eye color. Maybe you have always wished you had blue eyes, but the fact remains that your eyes are brown. If you say things like, "Hey, my eyes are brown. They will never be blue. What can I learn about brown eyes to make them just as great as blue eyes? I will love my brown eyes because they are mine," this is accepting you have brown eyes and attempting to change your view, no pun intended. Other examples may be that you're 5'2" at the age of 27 (like me) and you hate it. You constantly try doing things to make yourself look taller, but in reality, you will only continue to be 5'2". Or maybe you wish you were an only child, but you have a sibling or two. Accepting what IS and not what we think SHOULD be or what we WISH WAS, is a huge step in creating change.

2. Catch It, Challenge It, Change It: This is my favorite skill of all time! It's simple ... when a negative thought comes into your head or you are about to engage in a negative behavior, such as purging, stop or "Catch it!" Give yourself a moment to recognize what your thinking or what you're about to do. Then "challenge it." If you're in front of the mirror and you hear, "Man, look at those huge thighs," fight back against the thought. It's sort of like rolling your eyes at ED. Lastly, change the thought or behavior. If it's a thought, say something back to it like, "No, my thighs are beautiful and powerful." If it's a behavior, walk away and attempt to do something else. Instead of purging, try calling a friend or using other distractions.

3. Distraction: This is pretty self-explanatory. Find other things to do instead of engaging in your behaviors or negative thoughts. There are endless possibilities depending upon what you enjoy, who you know, what your schedule is, etc. Read a book, take a walk (only to distract, not to burn calories), take a bubble bath, call a friend or relative, work on a scrapbook, write a letter (or blog entry or e-mail), listen to your ipod, draw, paint, color, plant flowers ... whatever you enjoy! If we can distract for at least 10 minutes, if not longer, we can often cause the thought or desire to engage in a behavior to dissipate to a point where we don't feel as strong of an urge to do that which is negative.

4. Self-Care: This is a lot like distraction. Light candles, take a bath, paint your nails (guys, clip your toenails or something else, lol), listen to music, dance around the house, get a haircut, buy a new scarf or sweater ... Do something that will help you feel good about YOU.

5. Wisdom/Wise Mind: It's hard to explain this skill as it would seem to define itself. Try using logic/knowledge instead of allowing things that have no truth to enter into your mind and take over. A skunk is black and white (this is logic), but when we are in the "not-so-sure" part of our mind, we start thinking, "Are skunks REALLY black and white? Do they really stink? How can you tell?" Using our "wise mind" we would think/say, "Skunks ARE black and white, they stink because I've smelled them." It's like taking all the questions out of things and utilizing facts! I'm thin. This is a fact. My not-so-wise mind tells me I'm not-so-thin. I hope this makes sense.

6. I don't know what this skill is called, but it is a way to gently create boundaries with those around you while using your voice: When you ..., I feel ..., I need ... Make sure you do NOT say "You MAKE me feel." People do not "make us" feel. Instead, we are in charge of our feelings and reactions to things around us. Here is an example: When you talk about dieting, I feel uncomfortable and triggered, I need you to talk about something else or to go into another room if you want to talk about dieting. This is another one of my favorite skills because for someone who is used to letting others walk all over her, it provides a chance to use my voice and set boundaries without being rude or inconsiderate. This works with just about any situation in life.

Okay, there are numerous things we can do to help on our journey toward a more positive and healthy lifestyle, but for the sake of time and so as to not overwhelm anyone, I'm going to stop there for now. I will try to post more skills here and there, but these are six that work and are very important.

We All Have Challenges

Millions of people don't struggle with an eating disorder, but millions do. You may wonder why I haven't broadened my blog to incorporate more than just eating disorders and that's okay ... I've wondered the same thing.

I was going to tear down this blog and create yet another one. Then I decided that this is what I know and I believe that whether individuals battle an eating disorder or not, they can at least relate to some of the things posted here. We all have our issues and those issues can often be similar.

You may be addicted to alcohol, prescription or nonprescription drugs, sex, food or you may suffer from depression, low self-esteem, anger problems, etc. As you read, I hope you can see how words written here may apply to your own struggle. But let me clarify one thing, and in doing so I am not minimizing anyone's challenge, food is necessary to live. It is needed for the body to function as it was created to function and without food, we die. Whereas, alcohol and drugs are not necessary for the body to work. Yes, because they are addictive, you may find that these things are in fact necessary for you to function, but if you strip those addictions away, you eventually will be able to go without. I speak from the perspective of a former alcoholic. I've been there. When it comes to food, however, we can't avoid it. It must be present in our daily lives no matter what. We can't strip it away as we work toward recovery. Therefore, this poses a unique challenge when compared with other illnesses or addictions.

Whatever the basis of your own battle, I want you to know that there is hope. There is the possibility of recovery and a future without dependence on anything other than what is necessary for daily living. I think it's important to remember that the battle is best won when you enlist the help of professionals and/or a support group, family members and friends. When you can open yourself up, be honest and make true attempts, success is possible.

But it isn't all sunshine and sparkles. Battles, struggles, addictions, challenges, issues, whatever you choose to call them, are not easily won or overcome. It takes time and it takes us being willing to fight. We must attempt to use skills to change behavior. We must tackle the negative voice that tells us we need our addiction/illness to survive. We must reiterate to ourselves that we are worth more. And we must ultimately do this one moment at a time, one day at a time. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day, even though sometimes we probably wish it had been so we could snap our fingers and all would be well.

So, you may be asking yourself, "How do I do this?," "What skills is she talking about?" or "Where can I get help?" Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging ... for long anyway. I will share with you in a new post some things I've learned, skills included, that may help you on your journey to overcome whatever illness, issue or addiction you may be facing. And for those of you who are not battling anything in particular, these skills also work in day-to-day living to keep us grounded, help us create boundaries, and possibly prevent us from ever falling prey to the negative mind.

For now, I must get to work.