Skills, Skills, Skills

So today we talk skills!

Like I promised in my last post, I am not going to leave you wondering what things you can do to help create positive change in your life. Here, I share with you some of what I've learned. I credit Remuda Ranch for teaching me most of these skills during my three month stint in their program in 2008.

1. Acceptance: This is a key part of anyone's life and/or recovery work. If we don't accept where we are, what is going on around us, the reality of it all, we can't begin working on change. My former therapist really pushed acceptance and for good reason. If we live in denial or in a dream world where everything is as we wish it could be, we lose sight of what is actually right in front of us. When we take a deep look into ourselves and our lives and we accept (receive as adequate, valid or suitable; believe or come to recognize as valid or correct), it is then that we can work toward what we desire. Denial of our situations, illnesses, relationships, etc., keeps us living in a constant state of disconnectedness. It keeps us disassociated from what is reality. So, my challenge to you would be to start with even one thing and work on acceptance. An example may be your eye color. Maybe you have always wished you had blue eyes, but the fact remains that your eyes are brown. If you say things like, "Hey, my eyes are brown. They will never be blue. What can I learn about brown eyes to make them just as great as blue eyes? I will love my brown eyes because they are mine," this is accepting you have brown eyes and attempting to change your view, no pun intended. Other examples may be that you're 5'2" at the age of 27 (like me) and you hate it. You constantly try doing things to make yourself look taller, but in reality, you will only continue to be 5'2". Or maybe you wish you were an only child, but you have a sibling or two. Accepting what IS and not what we think SHOULD be or what we WISH WAS, is a huge step in creating change.

2. Catch It, Challenge It, Change It: This is my favorite skill of all time! It's simple ... when a negative thought comes into your head or you are about to engage in a negative behavior, such as purging, stop or "Catch it!" Give yourself a moment to recognize what your thinking or what you're about to do. Then "challenge it." If you're in front of the mirror and you hear, "Man, look at those huge thighs," fight back against the thought. It's sort of like rolling your eyes at ED. Lastly, change the thought or behavior. If it's a thought, say something back to it like, "No, my thighs are beautiful and powerful." If it's a behavior, walk away and attempt to do something else. Instead of purging, try calling a friend or using other distractions.

3. Distraction: This is pretty self-explanatory. Find other things to do instead of engaging in your behaviors or negative thoughts. There are endless possibilities depending upon what you enjoy, who you know, what your schedule is, etc. Read a book, take a walk (only to distract, not to burn calories), take a bubble bath, call a friend or relative, work on a scrapbook, write a letter (or blog entry or e-mail), listen to your ipod, draw, paint, color, plant flowers ... whatever you enjoy! If we can distract for at least 10 minutes, if not longer, we can often cause the thought or desire to engage in a behavior to dissipate to a point where we don't feel as strong of an urge to do that which is negative.

4. Self-Care: This is a lot like distraction. Light candles, take a bath, paint your nails (guys, clip your toenails or something else, lol), listen to music, dance around the house, get a haircut, buy a new scarf or sweater ... Do something that will help you feel good about YOU.

5. Wisdom/Wise Mind: It's hard to explain this skill as it would seem to define itself. Try using logic/knowledge instead of allowing things that have no truth to enter into your mind and take over. A skunk is black and white (this is logic), but when we are in the "not-so-sure" part of our mind, we start thinking, "Are skunks REALLY black and white? Do they really stink? How can you tell?" Using our "wise mind" we would think/say, "Skunks ARE black and white, they stink because I've smelled them." It's like taking all the questions out of things and utilizing facts! I'm thin. This is a fact. My not-so-wise mind tells me I'm not-so-thin. I hope this makes sense.

6. I don't know what this skill is called, but it is a way to gently create boundaries with those around you while using your voice: When you ..., I feel ..., I need ... Make sure you do NOT say "You MAKE me feel." People do not "make us" feel. Instead, we are in charge of our feelings and reactions to things around us. Here is an example: When you talk about dieting, I feel uncomfortable and triggered, I need you to talk about something else or to go into another room if you want to talk about dieting. This is another one of my favorite skills because for someone who is used to letting others walk all over her, it provides a chance to use my voice and set boundaries without being rude or inconsiderate. This works with just about any situation in life.

Okay, there are numerous things we can do to help on our journey toward a more positive and healthy lifestyle, but for the sake of time and so as to not overwhelm anyone, I'm going to stop there for now. I will try to post more skills here and there, but these are six that work and are very important.