Weighing In On What Matters

I pulled out the scale this morning for the first time in several weeks. I stepped on, looked down, stepped off and got in the shower. I didn't dwell on the number or even care. In fact, I'm clueless as to why I dragged it out in the first place.

Having an eating disorder, many would suspect that I weigh myself many times in a single day and allow the number to dictate my mood. Perhaps I've just reached a point in my life where I'm not as concerned with the number on the scale. I hop on, hop off, and go about my business like normal. My days are no better or worse when I weigh myself. Don't get me wrong, there have been numerous occasions over the past 16 years when the number did affect my attitude and behaviors. I'm just not there right now.

I've learned that no matter what the scale says, I'm in control of how I respond. I used to freak out when I stepped on and saw a higher number than the day before. I thought that meant I was a failure at everything in my life ... especially my eating disorder. I thought that meant I was out of control, a glutton, and lacked willpower to ever accomplish what the ED wanted me to accomplish. I can laugh now because I realize the only thing a scale weighs is the force of gravity on our bodies.

Americans are obsessed with weight, but I can honestly say that it doesn't matter. Yes, in a health sense, it does matter if we are underweight or overweight and it's causing medical problems. I'm not saying to ignore the weight completely. What I am saying is that who we are as human beings can't be measured by a number. The attitude we have throughout the day shouldn't be based on what we saw on the scale that morning. What matters is that we are healthy, secure in our skin, happy with who we are, just the way we are. Each of us is unique and if we are trying to conform to an ideal it will only land us in a state of confusion or depression. It's true, it could work for awhile and we could get massive attention for being stick thin, but when all is said and done, we have to be true to who we are because the only person we have to live with is ourselves.

It's just as frustrating for me to be underweight as it is for many to be overweight. Shopping is difficult, I get comments almost endlessly from other people, and I go home sometimes wishing I were someone else ... someone who was a "normal," healthy size. Ironic, yes, given I have an eating disorder when EDs are most often assumed to be about losing weight. In reality, EDs have far less to do with actual weight and more to do with how we feel about ourselves, what circumstances we are facing, who's in control, etc.

What matters most in life is not our body size. Some of the most successful men and women have not fit a mold characterized as "normal" (by the way, normal doesn't even exist, nor does perfection). We must learn to look beyond the numbers and into ourselves. Who are we INSIDE? What makes us happy? Where have we come from? And more importantly, where are we going? If you can answer any of those questions with a number, I take back everything I've written here.

If not forever, just for today ... take a look at what truly matters most in your life and in the lives of those you love. I can almost guarantee that if I asked my family and friends to name reasons they love me, none of them would say, "Because you weigh 'X' amount of pounds ..."

"We were created with a purpose and that purpose is not ED." — Me