Helping Others Without Losing Myself

I've been told on numerous occasions by therapists, fellow support group members, friends and family that I'm very perceptive, knowledgeable and insightful when it comes to my battle against my eating disorder(s) and the disorders in general.

What compliments and my, how great it feels to know that what I'm thinking, feeling, and saying actually has an impact on others. However, I've recently been considering all of this and where I am in my fight against ED.

Though I desire to educate and inform, I realize that hey, I'm not recovered. Is it fair of me to raise awareness and provide education to the public about these disorders? Would some call me hypocritical? Personally, I don't think it's unfair or hypocritical because I'm not advocating that people develop EDs nor am I saying, "Do this, but I will do the opposite." When I write about recovery work, it's because I've attempted the work and I speak from my own personal experience.

Truth be told, dear readers, I am not IN recovery. I am working TOWARD being in recovery. What I mean is that I can't claim to be in recovery when more than 50 percent of my behaviors are still ED-related. But I won't say that I am completely in my ED either. I'm just more in the ED right now. And I've been contemplating my motives in creating this blog and in maintaining it and my additional one www.anamericanbutterfly.blogspot.com.

I've found that I spend so much time meeting with families, emailing friends who need support or ask questions about EDs and recovery, speaking to others about the dangers of EDs, the difficult process of recovery, etc. Oh how I enjoy every minute of it. But I've also found that while doing these things, more than half of the time I'm still actively engaging in my own ED and not able to focus on my recovery because I'm so concerned with helping others recover.

I'm not going to deactivate this blog, stop educating others, or quit sharing my opinions and thoughts, but I do know that I must spend less time doing those things until I can take more steps forward on the recovery road. If I don't post for a week or two, maybe I just needed that time to focus on my own journey. If I ever hope to become a psychologist for EDs, I have to recover, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. And in order to do that, I'm attempting to find balance in helping while healing. My mother truly believes educating and helping others with EDs is my calling and the key to my recovery. That may be true and I plan to continue sharing what I know, just perhaps a little less often for a few months until I can get myself more than 70 or 80 percent on the right road (and eventually ... 95-100 percent).

I'm beyond admitting I have an ED and accepting help, but I am not yet living free of him. I'm in the middle of the 12 steps, probably around step 6: "We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

So I pray that after 16 years of living with an ED, I can come to a place where I'm able to stand up and say, "I did it! I overcame! I'm recovered and I'm thankful for the struggle."

Until then ...