On Why We Can't "Just Get Better"

I apologize for the delay in posting. Life happens and I suppose my words ran dry for a week or two.

I've battle anorexia and bulimia for nearly 16 years. I've been in treatment twice, I've seen three therapists, two dietitians, been in a support group for more than six months, have visited the ER three times, have been to a cardiologist, have met with families to provide education, have written research papers on EDs, currently maintain two ED blogs, and feel I know more than some of the professionals. Yet, I'm not recovered. Many people ask what it will take for me to get better. Some even say, "You need to get your *bleep* together."

My mother and I had a huge argument over the weekend and without restating everything she said, I can tell you that I was surprised that after having been to family week with me at Remuda and after everything I've shared with her, she still doesn't quite get it. She's not alone. I still don't even get it after 16 years.

And most don't. Research is still being conducted to determine whether EDs are autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis and multiple sclerosis. Wikipedia says that autoimmune diseases arise from an overactive immune response of the body against substances and tissues normally present in the body. An old article in Eating Disorders Today said that high levels of a certain substance (I can't recall what exactly it was) in the blood can effect things such as food intake and appetite.
Some research suggests EDs are a biological brain disease. Regardless, they are indeed a disease (and when I'm done posting, I'm going to update myself on the current research available).

So why then do some people treat us as if we are choosing our disorder? Why do some expect that "all you have to do is eat?" And why do some tell us to "just go over it already?" Well, it's not so simple. If EDs are in fact autoimmune diseases, that's like telling someone with MS to "just get better." The mind is indeed a powerful thing, but I can promise you it's not so powerful that thoughts can rid a body of rheumatoid arthritis. However, it's expected that thoughts can rid a person of an ED. Yes, changing our thinking is a huge part of recovery as EDs warp our minds and force us to believe the complete opposite of what is true. EDs change our "vision" so we can't see what is really in the mirror. They make us lie, manipulate, cry, yell, kick, scream, feel depressed, worthless, shameful and for some, they kill.

I get aggravated when people assume that a treatment center should be the end all, be all of one's disorder. When I returned from Remuda and relapsed a month later, my family said, "You had the best treatment in the world and you just threw it all away. You had all the tools you needed to get better. What happened?" And my response is that treatment centers, while extremely beneficial to some and the end of the ED journey for many, are not a complete and total cure for an ED ... especially when someone has struggled for more than 5, 10, 15 years. Treatment centers educate, provide tools and therapy, help lead us to a new perspective, and offer a safe environment temporarily. But who can live in a treatment center forever and never again have to face the real world? Who would want to?

I'm not advocating for or against treatment centers. I am advocating, however, for those of us who have relapsed after coming home and telling as many people as will listen that these EDs are HARD work to overcome. Every day we wake up, it's hard. Facing the thing we fear most, FOOD, several times a day because our bodies need it to survive, is a daunting and sometimes impossible task. We can't avoid food forever. Alcoholics and drug addicts don't HAVE to be in a situation every day where they are faced with their drug of choice nor do they need that drug in order for their body to perform properly every day. Yes, some need the drug or alcohol in order to function because their bodies are used to it, but once in recovery, they can avoid situations where the drug/alcohol is present. Not so with food because the body must have it regardless. Please, do not think I am minimizing the struggle of an alcoholic or drug addict. I am certainly not saying it's easy.

I wish there was a shot or a pill that would make the ED go away for myself and for so many others. Unfortunately, that is not the case. EDs effect all aspects of a person's being ... social, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. One shot or pill to fix all of that would take centuries to develop, if it's even possible.

I guess I would just like to ask those who do not have an ED to keep an open mind when it comes to the disorder(s). Understand that many, not all, want to get healthy and live a great life. I'll be the first to admit that if I could snap my fingers and be well, I would have snapped them years ago. EDs suck. There is no other way to say it. They SUCK. But if others would have a bit more compassion and understanding, maybe we could all work together to overcome this epidemic.