I've been told on numerous occasions by therapists, fellow support group members, friends and family that I'm very perceptive, knowledgeable and insightful when it comes to my battle against my eating disorder(s) and the disorders in general.
What compliments and my, how great it feels to know that what I'm thinking, feeling, and saying actually has an impact on others. However, I've recently been considering all of this and where I am in my fight against ED.
Though I desire to educate and inform, I realize that hey, I'm not recovered. Is it fair of me to raise awareness and provide education to the public about these disorders? Would some call me hypocritical? Personally, I don't think it's unfair or hypocritical because I'm not advocating that people develop EDs nor am I saying, "Do this, but I will do the opposite." When I write about recovery work, it's because I've attempted the work and I speak from my own personal experience.
Truth be told, dear readers, I am not IN recovery. I am working TOWARD being in recovery. What I mean is that I can't claim to be in recovery when more than 50 percent of my behaviors are still ED-related. But I won't say that I am completely in my ED either. I'm just more in the ED right now. And I've been contemplating my motives in creating this blog and in maintaining it and my additional one www.anamericanbutterfly.blogspot.com.
I've found that I spend so much time meeting with families, emailing friends who need support or ask questions about EDs and recovery, speaking to others about the dangers of EDs, the difficult process of recovery, etc. Oh how I enjoy every minute of it. But I've also found that while doing these things, more than half of the time I'm still actively engaging in my own ED and not able to focus on my recovery because I'm so concerned with helping others recover.
I'm not going to deactivate this blog, stop educating others, or quit sharing my opinions and thoughts, but I do know that I must spend less time doing those things until I can take more steps forward on the recovery road. If I don't post for a week or two, maybe I just needed that time to focus on my own journey. If I ever hope to become a psychologist for EDs, I have to recover, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. And in order to do that, I'm attempting to find balance in helping while healing. My mother truly believes educating and helping others with EDs is my calling and the key to my recovery. That may be true and I plan to continue sharing what I know, just perhaps a little less often for a few months until I can get myself more than 70 or 80 percent on the right road (and eventually ... 95-100 percent).
I'm beyond admitting I have an ED and accepting help, but I am not yet living free of him. I'm in the middle of the 12 steps, probably around step 6: "We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
So I pray that after 16 years of living with an ED, I can come to a place where I'm able to stand up and say, "I did it! I overcame! I'm recovered and I'm thankful for the struggle."
Until then ...
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
On Why We Can't "Just Get Better"
I apologize for the delay in posting. Life happens and I suppose my words ran dry for a week or two.
I've battle anorexia and bulimia for nearly 16 years. I've been in treatment twice, I've seen three therapists, two dietitians, been in a support group for more than six months, have visited the ER three times, have been to a cardiologist, have met with families to provide education, have written research papers on EDs, currently maintain two ED blogs, and feel I know more than some of the professionals. Yet, I'm not recovered. Many people ask what it will take for me to get better. Some even say, "You need to get your *bleep* together."
My mother and I had a huge argument over the weekend and without restating everything she said, I can tell you that I was surprised that after having been to family week with me at Remuda and after everything I've shared with her, she still doesn't quite get it. She's not alone. I still don't even get it after 16 years.
And most don't. Research is still being conducted to determine whether EDs are autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis and multiple sclerosis. Wikipedia says that autoimmune diseases arise from an overactive immune response of the body against substances and tissues normally present in the body. An old article in Eating Disorders Today said that high levels of a certain substance (I can't recall what exactly it was) in the blood can effect things such as food intake and appetite.
Some research suggests EDs are a biological brain disease. Regardless, they are indeed a disease (and when I'm done posting, I'm going to update myself on the current research available).
So why then do some people treat us as if we are choosing our disorder? Why do some expect that "all you have to do is eat?" And why do some tell us to "just go over it already?" Well, it's not so simple. If EDs are in fact autoimmune diseases, that's like telling someone with MS to "just get better." The mind is indeed a powerful thing, but I can promise you it's not so powerful that thoughts can rid a body of rheumatoid arthritis. However, it's expected that thoughts can rid a person of an ED. Yes, changing our thinking is a huge part of recovery as EDs warp our minds and force us to believe the complete opposite of what is true. EDs change our "vision" so we can't see what is really in the mirror. They make us lie, manipulate, cry, yell, kick, scream, feel depressed, worthless, shameful and for some, they kill.
I get aggravated when people assume that a treatment center should be the end all, be all of one's disorder. When I returned from Remuda and relapsed a month later, my family said, "You had the best treatment in the world and you just threw it all away. You had all the tools you needed to get better. What happened?" And my response is that treatment centers, while extremely beneficial to some and the end of the ED journey for many, are not a complete and total cure for an ED ... especially when someone has struggled for more than 5, 10, 15 years. Treatment centers educate, provide tools and therapy, help lead us to a new perspective, and offer a safe environment temporarily. But who can live in a treatment center forever and never again have to face the real world? Who would want to?
I'm not advocating for or against treatment centers. I am advocating, however, for those of us who have relapsed after coming home and telling as many people as will listen that these EDs are HARD work to overcome. Every day we wake up, it's hard. Facing the thing we fear most, FOOD, several times a day because our bodies need it to survive, is a daunting and sometimes impossible task. We can't avoid food forever. Alcoholics and drug addicts don't HAVE to be in a situation every day where they are faced with their drug of choice nor do they need that drug in order for their body to perform properly every day. Yes, some need the drug or alcohol in order to function because their bodies are used to it, but once in recovery, they can avoid situations where the drug/alcohol is present. Not so with food because the body must have it regardless. Please, do not think I am minimizing the struggle of an alcoholic or drug addict. I am certainly not saying it's easy.
I wish there was a shot or a pill that would make the ED go away for myself and for so many others. Unfortunately, that is not the case. EDs effect all aspects of a person's being ... social, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. One shot or pill to fix all of that would take centuries to develop, if it's even possible.
I guess I would just like to ask those who do not have an ED to keep an open mind when it comes to the disorder(s). Understand that many, not all, want to get healthy and live a great life. I'll be the first to admit that if I could snap my fingers and be well, I would have snapped them years ago. EDs suck. There is no other way to say it. They SUCK. But if others would have a bit more compassion and understanding, maybe we could all work together to overcome this epidemic.
I've battle anorexia and bulimia for nearly 16 years. I've been in treatment twice, I've seen three therapists, two dietitians, been in a support group for more than six months, have visited the ER three times, have been to a cardiologist, have met with families to provide education, have written research papers on EDs, currently maintain two ED blogs, and feel I know more than some of the professionals. Yet, I'm not recovered. Many people ask what it will take for me to get better. Some even say, "You need to get your *bleep* together."
My mother and I had a huge argument over the weekend and without restating everything she said, I can tell you that I was surprised that after having been to family week with me at Remuda and after everything I've shared with her, she still doesn't quite get it. She's not alone. I still don't even get it after 16 years.
And most don't. Research is still being conducted to determine whether EDs are autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis and multiple sclerosis. Wikipedia says that autoimmune diseases arise from an overactive immune response of the body against substances and tissues normally present in the body. An old article in Eating Disorders Today said that high levels of a certain substance (I can't recall what exactly it was) in the blood can effect things such as food intake and appetite.
Some research suggests EDs are a biological brain disease. Regardless, they are indeed a disease (and when I'm done posting, I'm going to update myself on the current research available).
So why then do some people treat us as if we are choosing our disorder? Why do some expect that "all you have to do is eat?" And why do some tell us to "just go over it already?" Well, it's not so simple. If EDs are in fact autoimmune diseases, that's like telling someone with MS to "just get better." The mind is indeed a powerful thing, but I can promise you it's not so powerful that thoughts can rid a body of rheumatoid arthritis. However, it's expected that thoughts can rid a person of an ED. Yes, changing our thinking is a huge part of recovery as EDs warp our minds and force us to believe the complete opposite of what is true. EDs change our "vision" so we can't see what is really in the mirror. They make us lie, manipulate, cry, yell, kick, scream, feel depressed, worthless, shameful and for some, they kill.
I get aggravated when people assume that a treatment center should be the end all, be all of one's disorder. When I returned from Remuda and relapsed a month later, my family said, "You had the best treatment in the world and you just threw it all away. You had all the tools you needed to get better. What happened?" And my response is that treatment centers, while extremely beneficial to some and the end of the ED journey for many, are not a complete and total cure for an ED ... especially when someone has struggled for more than 5, 10, 15 years. Treatment centers educate, provide tools and therapy, help lead us to a new perspective, and offer a safe environment temporarily. But who can live in a treatment center forever and never again have to face the real world? Who would want to?
I'm not advocating for or against treatment centers. I am advocating, however, for those of us who have relapsed after coming home and telling as many people as will listen that these EDs are HARD work to overcome. Every day we wake up, it's hard. Facing the thing we fear most, FOOD, several times a day because our bodies need it to survive, is a daunting and sometimes impossible task. We can't avoid food forever. Alcoholics and drug addicts don't HAVE to be in a situation every day where they are faced with their drug of choice nor do they need that drug in order for their body to perform properly every day. Yes, some need the drug or alcohol in order to function because their bodies are used to it, but once in recovery, they can avoid situations where the drug/alcohol is present. Not so with food because the body must have it regardless. Please, do not think I am minimizing the struggle of an alcoholic or drug addict. I am certainly not saying it's easy.
I wish there was a shot or a pill that would make the ED go away for myself and for so many others. Unfortunately, that is not the case. EDs effect all aspects of a person's being ... social, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. One shot or pill to fix all of that would take centuries to develop, if it's even possible.
I guess I would just like to ask those who do not have an ED to keep an open mind when it comes to the disorder(s). Understand that many, not all, want to get healthy and live a great life. I'll be the first to admit that if I could snap my fingers and be well, I would have snapped them years ago. EDs suck. There is no other way to say it. They SUCK. But if others would have a bit more compassion and understanding, maybe we could all work together to overcome this epidemic.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
ED Basics
Since I'm just getting started with this blog, I figured I would take a moment to introduce eating disorders to those who may be unfamiliar. Much of this information comes from the National Eating Disorders Association, my knowledge and experience. For more, please visit the NEDA Website at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.
Let's start with the basics ...
What are EDs?
There are several types of eating disorders including Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Compulsive Overeating/Binge Eating Disorder and Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). Each has its own characteristics, but all eating disorders are similar in their function.
Anorexia Nervosa: A serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by self-starvation and excessive weight loss.
Binge Eating Disorder (BED): A type of eating disorder not otherwise specified and is characterized by recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures to counter the binge eating.
Bulimia Nervosa: A serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by a cycle of bingeing and compensatory behaviors such as self-induced vomiting designed to undo or compensate for the effects of binge eating.
What causes EDs?
In my experience, I have learned that the causes for such disorders vary depending on the individual. There may be a biological component, as well as psychological and sociocultural components. Some research suggests EDs are an autoimmune disease. Regardless, the range of causes is wide.
Who can have an ED?
This one is simple: ANYONE. It used to be assumed that only wealthy, young and/or overachieving Caucasian women could have EDs, but research and experience has proven that men suffer, as well as individuals from every nationality. EDs do not discriminate.
How are EDs treated?
EDs can be fatal, but there is hope for those who wish to recover. Often, a treatment team is involved consisting of a psychologist, psychiatrist, physician, and dietitian. If you or someone you love is seeking help, please know it is out there. Outpatient treatment can be time consuming so be prepared for several appointments each week.
A psychologist is usually a part of the team to help address what may be at the root of the disorder(s) or what is perpetuating it/them. This part of treatment can be most beneficial and I recommend utilizing every minute available and really setting/working on goals.
A psychiatrist can be helpful in diagnosing the disorder(s) and/or any coexisting disorders. They can also prescribe any needed medication.
A physician is a crucial part of the treatment team as EDs can take a toll on the body. It is important to visit a doctor to determine what, if any, damage has been done and work together to improve overall physical health. Medical monitoring is just as important during the refeeding process as it is during the most active stages of the ED.
A dietitian can make recommendations about the amount of calories and types of foods your body needs. My dietitians have also been responsible for monitoring my weight on a week-to-week basis to assure I'm not losing or gaining too quickly, but rather at a pace that it healthy for me personally. Dietitians can also provide nutrition education and help us make better choices.
If inpatient treatment is needed because one can't break the ED cycle on his/her own or his/her health is in jeopardy, there are numerous hospitals and centers throughout the country. Inpatient treatment is often used to stabilize the person medically and reintroduce them to eating more regularly (without using compensating behaviors such as purging. An example would be Rogers Memorial Hospital). Residential treatment centers do the same, but provide a less restrictive environment and typically involve more outdoor activities or therapies (Remuda Ranch would be an example). There are also several partial hospital programs which provide structure throughout the day or evening, but give patients a chance to live at home or in an apartment while practicing what they are learning.
There is much more to be learned about EDs than what I can put in one post. But please, if you need more information quickly, visit NEDA's Website or call their helpline at (800) 931-2237.
I hope this post has been at least somewhat helpful. EDs are very complex, life-threatening illnesses and while I could go on and on, I'm going to stop for now and let you digest (no pun intended) what you've already read.
Let's start with the basics ...
What are EDs?
There are several types of eating disorders including Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Compulsive Overeating/Binge Eating Disorder and Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). Each has its own characteristics, but all eating disorders are similar in their function.
Anorexia Nervosa: A serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by self-starvation and excessive weight loss.
Binge Eating Disorder (BED): A type of eating disorder not otherwise specified and is characterized by recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures to counter the binge eating.
Bulimia Nervosa: A serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by a cycle of bingeing and compensatory behaviors such as self-induced vomiting designed to undo or compensate for the effects of binge eating.
What causes EDs?
In my experience, I have learned that the causes for such disorders vary depending on the individual. There may be a biological component, as well as psychological and sociocultural components. Some research suggests EDs are an autoimmune disease. Regardless, the range of causes is wide.
Who can have an ED?
This one is simple: ANYONE. It used to be assumed that only wealthy, young and/or overachieving Caucasian women could have EDs, but research and experience has proven that men suffer, as well as individuals from every nationality. EDs do not discriminate.
How are EDs treated?
EDs can be fatal, but there is hope for those who wish to recover. Often, a treatment team is involved consisting of a psychologist, psychiatrist, physician, and dietitian. If you or someone you love is seeking help, please know it is out there. Outpatient treatment can be time consuming so be prepared for several appointments each week.
A psychologist is usually a part of the team to help address what may be at the root of the disorder(s) or what is perpetuating it/them. This part of treatment can be most beneficial and I recommend utilizing every minute available and really setting/working on goals.
A psychiatrist can be helpful in diagnosing the disorder(s) and/or any coexisting disorders. They can also prescribe any needed medication.
A physician is a crucial part of the treatment team as EDs can take a toll on the body. It is important to visit a doctor to determine what, if any, damage has been done and work together to improve overall physical health. Medical monitoring is just as important during the refeeding process as it is during the most active stages of the ED.
A dietitian can make recommendations about the amount of calories and types of foods your body needs. My dietitians have also been responsible for monitoring my weight on a week-to-week basis to assure I'm not losing or gaining too quickly, but rather at a pace that it healthy for me personally. Dietitians can also provide nutrition education and help us make better choices.
If inpatient treatment is needed because one can't break the ED cycle on his/her own or his/her health is in jeopardy, there are numerous hospitals and centers throughout the country. Inpatient treatment is often used to stabilize the person medically and reintroduce them to eating more regularly (without using compensating behaviors such as purging. An example would be Rogers Memorial Hospital). Residential treatment centers do the same, but provide a less restrictive environment and typically involve more outdoor activities or therapies (Remuda Ranch would be an example). There are also several partial hospital programs which provide structure throughout the day or evening, but give patients a chance to live at home or in an apartment while practicing what they are learning.
There is much more to be learned about EDs than what I can put in one post. But please, if you need more information quickly, visit NEDA's Website or call their helpline at (800) 931-2237.
I hope this post has been at least somewhat helpful. EDs are very complex, life-threatening illnesses and while I could go on and on, I'm going to stop for now and let you digest (no pun intended) what you've already read.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Weighing In On What Matters
I pulled out the scale this morning for the first time in several weeks. I stepped on, looked down, stepped off and got in the shower. I didn't dwell on the number or even care. In fact, I'm clueless as to why I dragged it out in the first place.
Having an eating disorder, many would suspect that I weigh myself many times in a single day and allow the number to dictate my mood. Perhaps I've just reached a point in my life where I'm not as concerned with the number on the scale. I hop on, hop off, and go about my business like normal. My days are no better or worse when I weigh myself. Don't get me wrong, there have been numerous occasions over the past 16 years when the number did affect my attitude and behaviors. I'm just not there right now.
I've learned that no matter what the scale says, I'm in control of how I respond. I used to freak out when I stepped on and saw a higher number than the day before. I thought that meant I was a failure at everything in my life ... especially my eating disorder. I thought that meant I was out of control, a glutton, and lacked willpower to ever accomplish what the ED wanted me to accomplish. I can laugh now because I realize the only thing a scale weighs is the force of gravity on our bodies.
Americans are obsessed with weight, but I can honestly say that it doesn't matter. Yes, in a health sense, it does matter if we are underweight or overweight and it's causing medical problems. I'm not saying to ignore the weight completely. What I am saying is that who we are as human beings can't be measured by a number. The attitude we have throughout the day shouldn't be based on what we saw on the scale that morning. What matters is that we are healthy, secure in our skin, happy with who we are, just the way we are. Each of us is unique and if we are trying to conform to an ideal it will only land us in a state of confusion or depression. It's true, it could work for awhile and we could get massive attention for being stick thin, but when all is said and done, we have to be true to who we are because the only person we have to live with is ourselves.
It's just as frustrating for me to be underweight as it is for many to be overweight. Shopping is difficult, I get comments almost endlessly from other people, and I go home sometimes wishing I were someone else ... someone who was a "normal," healthy size. Ironic, yes, given I have an eating disorder when EDs are most often assumed to be about losing weight. In reality, EDs have far less to do with actual weight and more to do with how we feel about ourselves, what circumstances we are facing, who's in control, etc.
What matters most in life is not our body size. Some of the most successful men and women have not fit a mold characterized as "normal" (by the way, normal doesn't even exist, nor does perfection). We must learn to look beyond the numbers and into ourselves. Who are we INSIDE? What makes us happy? Where have we come from? And more importantly, where are we going? If you can answer any of those questions with a number, I take back everything I've written here.
If not forever, just for today ... take a look at what truly matters most in your life and in the lives of those you love. I can almost guarantee that if I asked my family and friends to name reasons they love me, none of them would say, "Because you weigh 'X' amount of pounds ..."
"We were created with a purpose and that purpose is not ED." — Me
Having an eating disorder, many would suspect that I weigh myself many times in a single day and allow the number to dictate my mood. Perhaps I've just reached a point in my life where I'm not as concerned with the number on the scale. I hop on, hop off, and go about my business like normal. My days are no better or worse when I weigh myself. Don't get me wrong, there have been numerous occasions over the past 16 years when the number did affect my attitude and behaviors. I'm just not there right now.
I've learned that no matter what the scale says, I'm in control of how I respond. I used to freak out when I stepped on and saw a higher number than the day before. I thought that meant I was a failure at everything in my life ... especially my eating disorder. I thought that meant I was out of control, a glutton, and lacked willpower to ever accomplish what the ED wanted me to accomplish. I can laugh now because I realize the only thing a scale weighs is the force of gravity on our bodies.
Americans are obsessed with weight, but I can honestly say that it doesn't matter. Yes, in a health sense, it does matter if we are underweight or overweight and it's causing medical problems. I'm not saying to ignore the weight completely. What I am saying is that who we are as human beings can't be measured by a number. The attitude we have throughout the day shouldn't be based on what we saw on the scale that morning. What matters is that we are healthy, secure in our skin, happy with who we are, just the way we are. Each of us is unique and if we are trying to conform to an ideal it will only land us in a state of confusion or depression. It's true, it could work for awhile and we could get massive attention for being stick thin, but when all is said and done, we have to be true to who we are because the only person we have to live with is ourselves.
It's just as frustrating for me to be underweight as it is for many to be overweight. Shopping is difficult, I get comments almost endlessly from other people, and I go home sometimes wishing I were someone else ... someone who was a "normal," healthy size. Ironic, yes, given I have an eating disorder when EDs are most often assumed to be about losing weight. In reality, EDs have far less to do with actual weight and more to do with how we feel about ourselves, what circumstances we are facing, who's in control, etc.
What matters most in life is not our body size. Some of the most successful men and women have not fit a mold characterized as "normal" (by the way, normal doesn't even exist, nor does perfection). We must learn to look beyond the numbers and into ourselves. Who are we INSIDE? What makes us happy? Where have we come from? And more importantly, where are we going? If you can answer any of those questions with a number, I take back everything I've written here.
If not forever, just for today ... take a look at what truly matters most in your life and in the lives of those you love. I can almost guarantee that if I asked my family and friends to name reasons they love me, none of them would say, "Because you weigh 'X' amount of pounds ..."
"We were created with a purpose and that purpose is not ED." — Me
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Welcome Aboard
This blog was created to share my experience with eating disorders and to provide education and resources based on my personal research.
I welcome you and gently remind you that while I have a Bachelor of Arts in psychology, I am not a psychologist, nor do I claim to be. One of my goals with this blog is to give you, the readers, a look into my life as I struggle to overcome an eating disorder. I also hope to provide you with education about these life-threatening disorders, again based on my experience and research.
I'm the first to admit that I haven't pursued a master's or doctorate's in psychology to date, but having lived with anorexia and bulimia for more than 16 years, I am extremely knowledgeable on these disorders and nutrition, mental illness, etc. Many times a mental illness coexists with another and in my case I battle depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder and rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. It's no surprise to me, however, given the trauma I have put myself through with the eating disorders. Some say OCD, depression, and bipolar can lead to eating disorders, but the reverse is also true.
For me, I'm not 100 percent sure which disorder truly developed first. Looking back, I can see a continuous pattern of disordered eating even in my grade school years. I can also see a pattern of OCD. The depression and bipolar didn't seem to hit until my senior year in high school or perhaps a year earlier. I was always a happy person described as a "clown" and told I should be an actress because of my ability to personify many different characters. I changed dramatically once I hit my final year in high school and went off to college.
I'm still a funny, happy person, but most often only on the outside. Deep down, I struggle with feeling hopeless and unworthy, stupid and selfish. I try to stay focused on the here-and-now, the moment, and just get through each second the best I can. Then people ask a million questions about who I'm dating, whether or not I have children, what career path I have taken, etc. It can be quite overwhelming. Bottom line is that I am where I am and I must make the best of it.
So I open myself up to you here with the a desire to debunk the myths surrounding eating disorders. From what I've heard, many people think these illnesses are an attempt to gain attention, to look like a supermodel, or simply to be thin. While those are certainly reasons why some struggle, they are not the reasons I struggle. They are not what caused my disorders nor do they perpetuate my illnesses. I struggle because I struggle. I don't have a clear idea why, but I'm aware of the possible causes and continuing triggers. Each person with an eating disorder is different. I speak, again, only from my experience.
I invite you to continue the journey with me via this blog and my hope is that you will be moved to help someone you know, to share your interpretations with others, to join forces with the Eating Disorders Coalition or National Eating Disorders Association in support of better insurance coverage for eating disorders and other mental illnesses.
Even if you walk away with nothing at all, I thank you for reading.
I welcome you and gently remind you that while I have a Bachelor of Arts in psychology, I am not a psychologist, nor do I claim to be. One of my goals with this blog is to give you, the readers, a look into my life as I struggle to overcome an eating disorder. I also hope to provide you with education about these life-threatening disorders, again based on my experience and research.
I'm the first to admit that I haven't pursued a master's or doctorate's in psychology to date, but having lived with anorexia and bulimia for more than 16 years, I am extremely knowledgeable on these disorders and nutrition, mental illness, etc. Many times a mental illness coexists with another and in my case I battle depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder and rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. It's no surprise to me, however, given the trauma I have put myself through with the eating disorders. Some say OCD, depression, and bipolar can lead to eating disorders, but the reverse is also true.
For me, I'm not 100 percent sure which disorder truly developed first. Looking back, I can see a continuous pattern of disordered eating even in my grade school years. I can also see a pattern of OCD. The depression and bipolar didn't seem to hit until my senior year in high school or perhaps a year earlier. I was always a happy person described as a "clown" and told I should be an actress because of my ability to personify many different characters. I changed dramatically once I hit my final year in high school and went off to college.
I'm still a funny, happy person, but most often only on the outside. Deep down, I struggle with feeling hopeless and unworthy, stupid and selfish. I try to stay focused on the here-and-now, the moment, and just get through each second the best I can. Then people ask a million questions about who I'm dating, whether or not I have children, what career path I have taken, etc. It can be quite overwhelming. Bottom line is that I am where I am and I must make the best of it.
So I open myself up to you here with the a desire to debunk the myths surrounding eating disorders. From what I've heard, many people think these illnesses are an attempt to gain attention, to look like a supermodel, or simply to be thin. While those are certainly reasons why some struggle, they are not the reasons I struggle. They are not what caused my disorders nor do they perpetuate my illnesses. I struggle because I struggle. I don't have a clear idea why, but I'm aware of the possible causes and continuing triggers. Each person with an eating disorder is different. I speak, again, only from my experience.
I invite you to continue the journey with me via this blog and my hope is that you will be moved to help someone you know, to share your interpretations with others, to join forces with the Eating Disorders Coalition or National Eating Disorders Association in support of better insurance coverage for eating disorders and other mental illnesses.
Even if you walk away with nothing at all, I thank you for reading.
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