Where There's a Will ...

there's a way.

We've heard over and over again that when we want something badly enough, we can get it, do it, achieve it, receive it, or be it.

After much debate inside this head of mine, I've come to believe this is actually very true. If you're anything like me, there are always excuses made for why you haven't or didn't get, do, achieve, receive or become what you truly desire. My list of excuses is longer than any news article I've written in recent weeks. In fact, I've spent much of my adult life making excuses, blaming circumstances or being mad at life and those who have achieved what I want to achieve.

For me, most of the anger has been jealousy-based and I've often said I hate this person or that person or am annoyed by him or her before I even know their personal story. I assume that everyone who is where I want to be was born into riches, was dealt better cards, or has some amazing connection that helped boost them to the top. Hmmm, isn't the common phrase "rags to riches?" If we watch the Biography Channel or stop on E!'s True Hollywood Story, don't we often hear about big names from small towns and those who rose from the ashes after being abused, addicted to drugs, overtaken by an eating disorder, etc.?

Our stories, no matter where they begin or who they involve, are still OUR stories. This means we are the authors.

I look back on my life, as recently as a few moments ago, and think I should have done things differently, I could have done things differently. I lament, wallow, cry, yell, hate, ignore, all because I'm actually unhappy with ME and with the way I'VE handled MY life. I'm not content with how I've authored my story. But I realized just this week that I truly am the captain of my ship. I have to be the one to take action in order to see change. I can talk about what I want to do, where I want to go and I can make excuses, second guess my decisions (before I even make them), and cry myself to sleep wishing it were different. Yet, I know that none of that is what matters. What matters is that I take the reigns and make things happen.

Let's be honest, true change and true success doesn't happen overnight. It may not even happen over a couple nights, weeks, months or years. However, small changes add up and small actions lead to bigger ones. Eventually we can reach the point where we're laughing at ourselves for ever having doubted when all along we were indeed capable.

Have you heard the song that says, "I'm no superman?" I don't remember the lyrics beyond that, but I agree that I, too, am no superman or superwoman. Oh how much easier things would be if in fact I had such power. Bottom line is that I'm me and I must quit pretending that I have to do it all right now, snap my fingers and be all that I can be. Think about that for a moment ... If we could snap our fingers and be or do anything right now, what would be the point of the rest of our lives? I think it would actually take the whole meaning out of the word "life." Life begins at a certain place and ends at a certain place. What we experience in between those two places defines our life. Those experiences make up our stories and let me remind you, and myself, that no two things are alike.

When I was 11 or 12 years old, this illness entered my life and I was clueless that at the age of 27 I would be fighting daily just to keep breathing. I had no idea that one action would lead to years of physical, emotional and spiritual pain. And it, also know as an eating disorder (or two), combined with my other experiences have made a recipe for disaster. I sit back and watch it all happen as if I'm not in control. I let the ED do what he's gotta do and continually tell myself I'm powerless (enter excuses). I let him win. I let him keep me in my place while turning around to say how much I hate life because I "can't" do what people without an ED can do. The fact is I can do things despite my ED. He is just an excuse that I willingly let get in the way and keep me from achieving my goals.

One of the most common things I visualize is my life the way it will be when I reach a healthy weight, but I fail to do the work to get me to that weight. Same goes for most areas of my life. I find that I gripe a lot about how things aren't that I forget how things are. Or I complain continuously about how I can't do things because I'm broke. I am broke, it's not a lie, but it shouldn't be an excuse. If I want to finish my book, the one I've started writing over and over again, but have never fully devoted myself to because of this or that (excuses), then I have to sit down and write ... that's it and that's free ... wow, who would have thought something in this life would actually be FREE? And if I want to change lives, where is it written that can only be done with a check and a pen?

There really is a way to get, do, achieve, receive, and be that which we want badly enough ... we must take our will and begin to make strides toward having it become a reality without having a list of excuses, without blaming or hating, and without defeating ourselves before we've even made an effort.

And don't be afraid to step out of your zone or to trust yourself because, again, this is your story and you are the author ...

A Christmas Pledge

So I realize I have severely neglected both of my blogs amid a crazy time in my life. Nothing has specifically contributed to the chaos, I've just been busy and apparently haven't had much to say (Me? Not much to say? Ha ... No, it's true, I haven't).

As you are well aware, the holidays are upon us. A couple have come and gone and what seems to be the biggest holiday of the year still lies ahead. I must admit that as I've gotten older and fallen into slumps of depression almost regularly, the holidays don't feel as special.

Perhaps it's because I no longer live at home, I don't have a husband or children and I'm broke so I can't buy and wrap gifts for others. Regardless of the reason, I can sometimes be Grinch-like this time of year.

I try to get into the spirit, but I'm a procrastinator. By the time it hits me, people are shopping for roses and candy to celebrate Valentine's Day. I guess I just don't realize how much time I don't have to get into a Christmas kind of mood.

After a long introduction, let me get to the heart of this time of year for those of us who suffer from an eating disorder. It's tough, grueling even, to face big family feasts twice in just over a month, not to mention that we feel guilty receiving any gifts that may be under the tree for us (and for being so broke that we can't buy wonderful gifts for our loved ones or too paranoid or socially challenged to attempt shopping). It's the merriest difficult time of our lives.

There are ways to combat the "feast fears" such as trying to eat a light lunch before a heavy dinner. Or trying to eat a little bit of everything we like and being truly, honestly, aware of how our stomach feels ... key word here is HONESTLY. If we breathe and have a little bit of faith in ourselves that we can get through it, we may find that it's not as dreadful as ED makes it out to be.

But everyone faces a different reality during the holidays. Some just can't go through with the buffet-style feasts present around every corner and some jump right in to test the limits of their very being. Regardless of how you feel as Christmas approaches, know that we are often our own worst enemy and those things which we fear the most sometimes turn out to be memories we laugh at later or another notch on our belt of accomplishments.

I'm making a conscious effort in 2009 to not delay feeling the holiday spirit. I already hosted my very first Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, I INVITED the feast into my home this year and it turned out wonderful. I had more than 20 guests and while food was obviously present, so was a lot more.

Maybe I'll also make a Christmas pledge here and now to tackle one small fear every day from now until Dec. 25! Sounds like a plan to me and one I invite you to put into action yourself. Then, post later and tell me how you did because I'd love to know!

For now, Happy Belated Thanksgiving and Merry Early Christmas!